Having not been in a committed relationship for about two years and completely striking out on the dating scene, I decided to become a bit more proactive. While I know that the fault in failed relationships doesn't rely entirely on me, there is plenty that I can do to be a better person.
With this new resolve to improve myself, I headed to the library. I checked out two books: Patti's "Become Your Own Matchmaker: 8 Easy Steps for Attracting Your Perfect Mate" and Talane Miedaner's "Secret Laws of Attraction: The Effortless Way to Get the Relationship You Want". This blog will focus on what I learned from Patti's book. Another will be written when I finish the second book.
The 8 steps, in order, are:
1. Dating Detox
2. Mirror, Mirror
3. Make Your Own Matchmaking Map
4. Qualifying the Buyer
5. Adventures in Dating
6. First Days of Infatuation
7. Relationship Reality Check
8. Negotiating the Ring
You'll have to check the book out yourself for the whole scoop on all of the steps. Dating detox simply involves taking a break from dating and focusing on making yourself happy. If you can't make yourself happy, how can anyone else, right? This detox period lasts between 30 and 90 days depending on the length of your last serious relationship. I've pretty much been in this stage for the majority the last two years. I was actually focusing so much on myself (mostly with becoming a better student, athletic trainer and working on maintaining my fitness levels) that I started to feel like I was being selfish and that I couldn't be in a relationship because I am too selfish. However, I recently met someone who I wanted nothing more than to make happy and provide for, so I no longer feel this way. I was just doing what no one else could (or was willing to) do: making myself happy.
A part of this step is reflecting on what qualities in your past mates you really enjoyed and which you could have done without. When you do this, sometimes you can find a common theme that either represents what you want or where you keep going wrong. After that you are given 5 different "worlds" and asked to list, at most, five qualities you want in your future mate for each world. The worlds are: spiritual, physical, emotional, intellectual and financial. From this list you choose your top ten qualities that you are looking for. Put them in order of importance and you have your ten must-haves and 5 non negotiables.
My list ended up looking like this:
1. Smart - some type of college degree
2. Good salary - don't judge me, I want to be comfortable not struggling
3. Wit/sarcasm as their sense of humor
4. Does not hide what he is feeling
5. Believes in God
6.Confident, not cocky
7. Stable - doesn't anger easily
8. Good spelling/grammar
9. Knows how to get a good deal
10. Not ridiculously frugal
So if anyone is reading this and is looking to find me a date.... that's what I prefer! Haha
Anyway, after you figure out what you're looking for it's important to take a look at yourself and make sure you are somebody that someone would want to be with (from the looks and physical aspect to your emotional state/baggage and personality). After that, you just put yourself in situations where you can meet new people and go out on dates until you find one worth keeping around (and make sure he meets the qualities on your list before you get too attached!!). I'm really shortening this quite a bit. An important note that Patti stresses in her book and is a rule in the Millionaire's Club: NO sex before monogamy. Do not put yourself into that situation before you have agreed on being in a committed, monogamous relationship. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. The book goes on to give you tips about a lot of things as well as an approximate timeline for when your relationship should move to the next level (the ring). For the younger crowd (myself included) the timeline can be extended a little, but in the long run: if you're not sure you want to be with me for the rest of your life after a year, it might be because you never will. Cut the ties and move on to someone who likes it enough to put a ring on it.
I do recommend reading this book. Patti doesn't sugar coat anything, which is just my style, but if you're sensitive to people telling it like it is perhaps it isn't the book for you.
If you have any questions or anything about the process, especially the first part where you figure out what you're looking for: feel free to leave comments. We'll see how well this all works, but I'm not in any hurry to meet "the one" and get married. Just looking for someone to share some of my precious time with.
